If you are a frequent viewer of this blog, you will find that it’s been about a year since my last blog post. So I would like to dedicate this post to 2018.
The beginning of the year…
Upon the beginning of the year, I began to tap into a mild depression. I graduated from college with my B.A. I was finally done with school and was completely empty. Everything I constructed fell to pieces. Honestly, I had no way to fix anything. I could not find a job, my nonprofit was losing things, my stress level was getting worse, and my emotions were taking the best of me. There were times that I sat in my dark room staring at the wall. I felt worthless. I felt like I worked so hard for nothing.
I kept applying for more jobs and heard nothing.
I prayed and felt nothing.
I read the bible and heard nothing.
What more to do? My faith was decreasing by the day. And my prayers turned from long monologues to a few sentences to three words. There came a time when I fell on my knees and said, “God, I’m speechless…” I had nothing to say. I wanted to cry but the tears would not fall. I did not know what to do or how to feel.
One day, I grabbed one of my old computers and found the praise song, “Agnus Dei” by Michael Smith. I closed my eyes and saw a small cabin (goes back to a childhood story). I was inside this cabin sitting at a table with a coffee cup. As soon as I opened my mouth to speak, a man came with his coffee cup and sat down at the table. I could not see His face but I already knew exactly who this man was…my Savior. Although, I could not see all of Him, I knew Him.
I then opened my eyes in amazement and started singing along to the song. Upon closing my eyes again, I saw another vision ( I will share that in another post). My faith began to rise again. My heart begin to feel strength. And for the first time in a while, I cried tears of joy.
Upon the second month of this dark season, one of my high school friends held a prayer gathering. My sister and I both attended and my faith got a little stronger and then decreased again. I was stuck trying to figure out why this dark cloud would not move! Everything I felt before came rushing back. My feelings, emotions, and stress dragged me back into the dark hole I was once in.
One day, I was lying in bed when I got a phone call to come in for an interview. It was not the job I was hoping for but I felt compelled to go.
At the end of the interview, the manager offered me the position. I was somewhat speechless but not in a good way. So… I said yes. I filled out my paperwork and completed all the steps and within two weeks I started my first job.
I distinctly remember my first day was overwhelming to say the least. I thought to myself, “What have I done!?!” Although I was not overly excited about this new journey, I kept going. It was better than nothing and I had to be grateful for what God had given me. At least I was out of the house..right?
The middle of the year….
I kept working and earned my way into a summer position. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I had the opportunity to continue working with kids and I was rekindling old passions. I was falling in love with this job until it reached the end. It was time for me to go back to the first job. My frustration and stress rose through the roof. I found myself falling back into that dark hole once again!
Upon returning for the new school year, my new supervisor and coworkers were great! I had a different group of kids from the previous year and ended up working ten times harder in the same position. Although it was rough start at the beginning, things began to level out.
The end of the year….
Towards the end of the year, the spark began. When I mean a spark, you know the song that says, “it only takes a spark, to get a fire going.” Yeah, that’s how it was for me. What started out as a spark turned into flames. The flames started at work and continued to get worse. I had a bad reaction to some fire ants. My foot swelled so bad, I could not walk. When I sat up at the end of my bed, I felt the pain rush to my foot. I was in unbelievable pain for days. After getting better, things continued unfolding at work. Then about two months later, came down with a cough which turned out to be pneumonia.
As you can see, the mention of faith and prayer decreased the further you read this blog. That’s how my spiritual journey turned out to be. My faith decreased day by day. I started struggling with doubts about everything. My prayers and daily devotions continued to get shorter.
Things began to get so bad when I was sick and my weakness started to transition into strength.
I was praying for both physical and spiritual strength.
I was praying for another job for both my sister and I.
I was decreeing and declaring healing for myself.
Then one day, I checked my email. I got another job!!!!!
I went back to the doctor and the she told me my pneumonia was gone.
My sister got called in for another job.
I was surrounded with so much joy. I learned the value of answered prayers. I could not contain myself with excitement.
Although this year was long and hard, God came through for me. The beginning was rough, but He continued to show me that He was there all through the year.
I can truly say that there is a God.
He’s not just any God but a God of answers.
A God of faith.
A God of trust.
A wonderful, beautiful, amazing God!!!
When you don’t think that He’s listening, He is! That goes back to the vision I had at the beginning of the year. Jesus had his coffee cup to sit down and listen to me. All those moments when I thought that He couldn’t hear me it turns that He was right there. Jesus answered my prayers when it was time to answer them. What mattered most is that I turned to Him and stayed strong in my faith.
God knows your limits.
He knows when to take you out of situations.
God knows when it’s your time.
You just have to trust Him and KEEP GOING!
There were so many times I wanted to give up on everything.
There were times when I had nothing left. But I kept moving and HE truly came through. So I can say THANK YOU LORD FOR ALL YOU’VE DONE FOR ME!
What is your story and Happy New Year!